On the Noble Panda - 7/23/16

This is something I worte many years ago.  I suppose a less lazy person would edit it.  Anyhoo....

I fucking hate pandas.  HAAAATE them.  Unlike 99% of the world, I don't fall for all the bullshit.

Fact:  Panda's are an abomination against science.  They disprove, without a shadow of a doubt, the so-called theory of evolution.

How?

Pandas sit around all day eating bamboo, which has about as much nutritional value as recycled newspaper.  All this "nutrition" gives them little time or inclination to "pitch woo".  Charlie don’t surf, and pandas don't screw, pure and simple.  Every panda bitch is frigid, and every panda guy is limp.  They are the one species in the animal kingdom that would not kill their own mothers for a good hard fuck. 

By Darwin's logic, the panda bear should have died out a long time ago, probably within minutes of first evolving.  So why are there Pandas still around?  By the grace of God.  Well, more likely the Satan, which proves the existence of God by association.

And they live in China.  How hard is it to get off your fat panda ass and order some Lo Mein?

Fact:  Pandas are an affront to all that is holy and good, for they prove, without a shadow of a doubt that Evolution is scientific fact, and God must surely be a fiction.

Pandas are so lazy and fat that they don’t fuck.  Maybe they don't have the energy, maybe it’s just that all pandas have high standards and are simply repulsed by members of their own species due to hygiene issues.  To get them to breed in captivity, researchers have resorted to such practices as showing pornography and feeding them Viagra in a vain effort to jumpstart some limp panda noodle (in sharp contrast to the male koala which actually rapes the female repeatedly; 100% true).  More often than not, the scientist has to physically take the sperm from the male panda (hand job) and snowball it into the females coochie hole.

Think about that.  You got some scientist racking up hundreds upon thousands of dollars in student loans, pursuing his PHD, getting shit on by "real" scientists, sacrificing any chance at happiness or prosperity for the privilege of jerking some surely bear off because the bear is too lazy to perpetuate its own species.

"Oh, I don't feel like screwing today, I’d rather take a nap.  Can you do me a solid and take care of that for me?  Thank you College boy…Or girl, as I am anything if not respectful.

So why?

Remember how pandas eat bamboo all day.  This gives them large oversized jaws (bamboo is tough) which in turn make them look very cute.  So roly-poly and adorable that we would do anything to keep them around.

Pandas have evolved thick jowls so that people will fuck for them, thus perpetuating the species.  This would be an example of an EFFECTIVE SURVIVAL STRATEGY.

They're not cute, though.  Are ticks cute?  Now imagine a giant 1200 lb tick sucking at your TEAT.  Get the picture yet?  Do I have your attention?

So how can the panda paradoxically prove and disprove two dramatically opposite belief systems.  Easy, but I’m not gonna spoon-feed you all the answers.

There is nothing so horrible as to look upon a panda.  It is akin to gazing upon the formless body of Yoth Shoggoth, the black goat of the woods with a thousand young.